Look. We know why you are here. You bought a dozen bagels, you took a picture of them, and now you need a caption that proves you are funny. Or maybe you are just bored and crave carbohydrates. Whatever the reason, we have baked up a list of bagel puns that are professionally disappointing.
If you thought our morning coffee puns were bad, you are about to be really upset. Grab your cream cheese and prepare to cringe.
This one lives in our food puns and drink jokes collection, right alongside every other carb-based crime we’ve committed.
The everything bagel is the king of bagels. It is messy, chaotic, and leaves seeds in your teeth. Kind of like our kernel-based corn puns, but edible.
You mean everything to me.
I have seeded control to the bagel.
Sesame street smarts.
Open sesame.
I’m just a little salty.
You are popping with flavor.
It is a seedy situation.
Don’t be so garlic-y.
I’m onion to something here.
You are the salt of the earth.
We have mixed feelings about this.
It is season for bagels.
Throwing salt on your game.
A little bit of everything goes a long way.
Don’t get stuck in your teeth.
Cute Bagel Puns for Your Other Half
Are you trying to flirt using bread products? That is a bold strategy. If this doesn’t work, maybe try donut valentine puns instead.
I loaf you so much.
We go together like lox and key.
You are my butter half.
I want to grow mould with you.
Let’s grow old and stale together.
You are the yeast of my worries.
I dough adore you.
You bake me crazy.
I have a crust on you.
You are all I knead.
I’m circles around you.
You make my heart rise.
Let’s never split.
We are on a roll.
My love for you is endless (like a circle).
Bagel Puns for Teachers, Coworkers, and People You Owe a Thank You
Apparently half of you typed this into Google because you owe your kid’s teacher a thank-you gift and panicked at the card store. We support the bagel-as-bribery economy. Here is your emergency supply.
Thanks a bagel-ion for everything you do.
You knead to know how appreciated you are.
We loaf you more than words can say.
You rise to the occasion every single time.
Consider this a small schmear of our gratitude.
You deserve everything, the bagel and the appreciation.
Thanks for being un-bagel-ievably great.
You are the yeast we could do to say thanks.
We are bready grateful for you.
You are a whole lot of wonderful, pun intended.
Breakfast Situational Jokes for Morning People
The morning is terrible unless you have carbs. Pairing these with some avocado breakfast puns makes for a complete balanced breakfast of cringe.
I hate morning rolls.
Wakey bakey.
Rise and shine.
Don’t be sourdough in the morning.
Let’s get this grain.
I’m jammed up right now.
Breakfast of champions.
Don’t egg me on.
I’m scrambling for a pun.
Orange you glad I brought bagels?
Just juice doing my best.
This is cereal-sly good.
Time to spread out.
Have a knife day.
Let’s brunch.
Yeasty Names for Round Pets
If you named your dog after a breakfast food, we are judging you, but we also support you.
This is my dog, Bagel-y.
Meet my cat, Cream Cheese.
Here is Poppy.
Say hello to Sesame.
This is Lox.
Meet Toasty.
This is Schmear.
Say hi to Dough-boy.
Meet Crusty (unfortunately).
This is Cinnamon.
Meet Raisin.
Say hello to Yeasty (we are sorry).
This is Wheatley.
Meet Chip.
This is Bae-gel.
Corny Bagel Dad Jokes
We have reached the section where you ask a question and the answer makes everyone leave the room.
What does a bagel do when it gets locked out? It calls a lox-smith.
Why was the bagel sad? It felt empty inside.
What kind of bagel can fly? A plane bagel. (Basically plain bread jokes with better altitude)
Why did the bagel go to the gym? To get better buns.
What do you call a bagel that is proficient in magic? A dough-wizard.
Why did the bagel retire? It was getting stale.
What is a bagel’s favorite movie? Lord of the Onion Rings.
How does a bagel say goodbye? See you round.
Why was the bagel late for work? It got stuck in a jam.
What do ghosts put on their bagels? Scream cheese.
Why did the bagel arrest the croissant? It was acting flakey.
What is a bagel’s favorite sport? Tennis (because of the seedings).
Why did the bagel go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.
What do you call a seagull flying over a bagel? A bagel. (Wait, that’s not right).
Why don’t bagels like jokes? They tend to get toasted.
Short Bagel Puns and One-Liners You Can Steal in Five Seconds
Some of you don’t have time for a whole essay about cream cheese. Fine. Here are the one-liners, stripped down and ready to copy-paste before your coffee gets cold.
Hole-y smokes, that’s good.
I’m on a roll and I’m not stopping.
Bagel me this.
Life’s better with a hole lot of carbs.
Toast to the little things.
I’m feeling hole-some today.
Carb-solutely worth it.
Well-rounded and proud of it.
I’ll bagel your pardon.
Seize the bagel.
Short Bagel Captions for Instagram
You took the photo. You adjusted the contrast. Now copy and paste one of these so you can go back to eating.
Bae-goals only. 🥯
I’m on a roll. ✨
Feelin’ toasty. 🔥
Bread winner. 🍞
All you knead is love. ❤️
Hole foods diet. 🍩
Donut worry, be happy. 😊
So many carbs, so little time. ⏰
Spread kindness. 🧀
Yeast mode activated. 🚀
Bagel Facts That Are Somehow Funnier Than Our Jokes
Turns out bagels have a whole backstory, and frankly it’s more interesting than half the puns above. Here’s the trivia nobody asked for, served with our usual lack of respect.
“Bagel” likely comes from the Yiddish word beygl, so it has been carb-loaded with history since day one.
New York bagels are boiled before baking, which is basically a bagel getting a hot tub before its big day.
Montreal bagels get boiled in honey water, which explains why they’re sweeter about everything.
“Bagel” as slang can mean zero, like a hole-in-one but for tennis scores.
The hole exists so bakers could string them on a pole for transport, not just for your finger tricks.
New York and Montreal have been fighting over bagel supremacy for decades. Nobody has won.
An everything bagel can carry up to six toppings, which is basically a salad that gave up halfway through.
The world’s largest bagel weighed over 868 pounds, which is a lot of dough to commit to.
Old Polish tradition reportedly gave bagels to women in childbirth, so they’ve been supportive for centuries.
Some trace “bagel” back to a word for “ring” or “bracelet,” so you’ve basically been wearing jewelry-adjacent bread.
The Carb-loaded Conclusion
That was a lot of puns. We hope you are happy with yourself. If you are still hungry for more bad jokes, you should probably check out ourpizza puns collection because that is basically just a flat bagel anyway. For every other carb we’ve ruined with wordplay, browse the full food puns and drink jokes hub.
We rate this post 9/10 cringes. Go drink some water.
The Yeasty Inquiries
Why do bagels have holes?
So they can cook evenly, but mostly so you can stick your finger through them like a ring.
Is a bagel just a donut?
No. A donut is a bagel that gave up on being healthy.
What is the best bagel flavor?
Everything. Next question.
Can I freeze bagels?
Yes, but they will never forgive you for the cold treatment.
Are bagels healthy?
If you define “healthy” as “delicious round bread,” then absolutely yes.
What does “bagel” mean in slang?
In sports slang, a “bagel” means a 6-0 score, because the zero looks like a hole. So if someone “bagels” you, put down the racket and pick up an actual bagel instead.
Is “bagel” a Yiddish word?
Pretty much, yes. It traces back to the Yiddish beygl, which is a word we fully support since it led directly to breakfast.
Where do bagel purists argue about the best bagel?
New York and Montreal have been fighting about this for decades. We are staying out of it. We just eat the bagel.
Umer is the founder of PunSpill and a certified disappointment to his high school guidance counselor. He spends his days writing puns that make people groan and his nights arguing with Gerald, his emotional support opossum (and Head of HR).
He created this website because his friends muted him in the group chat. If you hated this article, please direct your complaints to the opossum; he handles the shredding.
I'm Umer. He's Gerald. I write the bad jokes; he handles the complaints (by sleeping). We created PunSpill so you have something to send your friends to annoy them. Read the full confession here.
