Look, we know why you are here. You have a picture of a train, or perhaps a deep-seated need to annoy your friends with locomotive humor, and you need ammunition. We aren’t here to judge. We are just here to supply the payload. These puns are bad. They are arguably a public safety hazard. But you asked for them, so technically this is your fault.
We are starting with the basics because we need to build up some momentum. These are the puns you use when you want to elicit a mild groan rather than a full-blown scream of agony. They cover the general vibe of railways without getting too technical.
I tried to get a job at the railway station but I realized I was not trained enough.
The train driver was so good at his job because he had tunnel vision.
I have lost my train of thought so many times today it is embarrassing.
My life is a train wreck but at least I am still on track.
We need to cover a lot of ground before we get to the destination.
Don’t be afraid to let off some steam when you are angry.
I think I can make it to the station on time but it might be a stretch.
You are really pushing my buttons like a signal box today.
It is hard to keep track of all the reasons why I love locomotives.
That argument we had yesterday really derailed my whole afternoon.
I hold a lot of freight in this relationship and it is heavy.
Never trust a train track because it has a lot of loco motives.
I am going to rail against the establishment if the ticket prices go up.
The train conductor was a thief and he tried to cover his tracks.
I wanted to be an engineer but I just could not make the grade.
Conductor Jokes That Will Get You Punched
The conductor is the boss of the train, which means they are the prime target for mockery. If you know someone who works for the railway, send them these. If you want to keep them as a friend, maybe don’t. Or send them some clean funny jokes for work instead so they don’t fire you as a friend.
The conductor was surprisingly good at music because he knew how to keep time.
I asked the conductor for a discount and he said I was being unreasonable.
Conductors are great at arguments because they always know where the line is.
He got fired from the railroad because he kept biting off more than he could chew.
The conductor’s favorite fruit is clearly the black-berry because it stains.
He was a semi-conductor which meant he only worked part-time.
The conductor was arrested for conducting illegal business on the side.
He shouted “all aboard” so loud he lost his voice box car.
The new conductor is really strict so you better stay in line.
He didn’t want to punch my ticket because he was a pacifist.
The conductor stopped the train because he had a bad feeling in his gut.
Never argue with a conductor because they always win the platform.
He was the best employee because he never went off the rails.
The conductor retired early because he ran out of steam.
I told the conductor a joke but it went over his head.
Locomotive Captions That Are Just Plain Crazy
Sometimes the engine is the star of the show. If you are obsessed with the mechanics of how these metal beasts move, you might enjoy these. Or if you like minecraft puns, you probably appreciate building tracks properly.
That old steam engine has a lot of chug attitude.
I am feeling a little loco after watching trains all day.
The engine failed because it had low self-esteem.
We are moving full steam ahead into the weekend.
That locomotive is so loud it is making my ears ring.
I have a coal heart when it comes to diesel engines.
The engine broke down and now we are in a huge fix.
This train is so slow it is literally dragging me down.
I am stoked to see the new high-speed rail.
The engine room is where all the magic happens.
It is time to gauge your interest in steam power.
I am not fat I just have a large boiler.
That train is pulling a lot of weight around here.
The mechanic was fired for greasing the wrong palms.
I love the sound of a train it is music to my gears.
Railroad Jokes For The Daily Commute
Commuting is miserable. Standing on a platform in the freezing cold is miserable. The only thing that makes it better is complaining about it with wordplay. If it’s snowing and your train is canceled, read these while you wait, or check out our funny snow jokes to freeze your laugh box.
I missed my train and now I am railing against the universe.
The subway is so crowded it is a tight squeeze.
Commuting really tests my patience and my bladder.
I am waiting on the platform for a miracle at this point.
The ticket inspector is the bane of my morning existence.
I fell asleep on the train and missed my stop making me late.
This journey is taking so long I am aging in transit.
The gap between the train and the platform is a step too far.
I hope this train has Wi-Fi so I can scroll my pain away.
My commute is the longest relationship I have ever had.
I am reading a book to pass the time table.
The delay was caused by a signal failure in communication.
I bought a season ticket and now I am committed.
Riding the train is a great way to catch up on sleep.
I need a coffee before I get on board or I will crash like a computer.
Nothing says “I love you” like a terrible pun about public transport. If you want to woo someone who loves trains, or just annoy your spouse, these are for you. They pair surprisingly well with our flower puns for mothers day if you need to apologize afterward.
I choo-choose you to be my valentine.
Our love is like a train it has no brakes.
You are just the ticket I have been looking for.
I am railing for you hard right now.
Let’s make our relationship express.
You make my heart go loco every time I see you.
I am never going to depart from your side.
We make a great coupling don’t you think.
My love for you is always on schedule.
I am totally on board with this relationship.
You really get my engine running.
Let’s run away together on a sleeper train.
I would travel any distance to see you.
You are the light at the end of my tunnel.
I am stuck on you like a train on tracks.
Travel Puns For Long Distance Trips
If you are taking a cross-country trip, you have plenty of time to read these. It’s better than staring at the back of the seat in front of you. If you decided to drive instead, go look at our road trip jokes and leave us alone.
This journey is going to be a first-class experience.
I packed my bags but I forgot my manners.
We are going off the beaten track this time.
I love looking out the window at the passing scenery.
Traveling by train is the only way to go.
I bought a round trip ticket because I plan to return.
The dining car serves food that is barely edible.
I am trying to find my seat in life.
Luggage racks are a pain in the neck.
We are crossing state lines so act natural.
This trip is costing me a pretty penny.
I hope the destination is worth the fare.
I am documenting my journey in a log book.
The view from here is absolutely train-scendent.
I need to stretch my legs before they cramp up.
Funny Names For Your Model Trains
You spent thousands of dollars on a miniature railway in your basement. You might as well give the engines funny names.
Thomas the Tanked Engine
Chew Chew Train
The Pain Train
Sir Topham Hatt-trick
Loco-Motion Sickness
The Polar Depressed
Tracky McTrackface
The Orient Excessive
Steam Punque
Raily McBeal
The Hog-warts Express
Chug Life
The Late Arrival
Bro-comotive
Training Day
Corny Railroad Dad Jokes
These are in the classic question and answer format. They are designed to be told by fathers at dinner tables while the rest of the family stares at their plates in silence.
What do you call a train that eats toffee? A chew-chew train.
Why can’t the engineer get electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor.
How do trains hear? Through their engine-ears.
What happened to the boy who drank 8 sodas before getting on the train? He made a Toot-Toot.
Why was the railroad angry? Because people were always crossing it.
What is the difference between a teacher and a steam train?
One tells you to spit out your gum the other says chew-chew.
What do you call a train carrying bubblegum? A chew-chew train (yes we used it twice deal with it).
Why do trains go fast? Because they have loco-motives.
How do you find a missing train? You have to follow the tracks.
What is a train’s favorite sport? Track and field.
Why did the train stop in the forest? To let the lumber-jack off.
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes.
Why do trains make good thieves? Because they have steel wheels.
What do you call a train with a cold? A choo-choo sneeze.
Where do trains go to sleep? In a sleeper car.
Short Train Captions For Instagram
You took a photo on the tracks (dangerous, don’t do that) or a selfie in the window. Here are the captions you need to harvest likes.
I’m just going off the rails today. 🚂
Life is a journey not a destination. 🛤️
Just chugging along through the week. 💨
Caught the midnight train to nowhere. 🌙
Keeping my life on track barely. 🚆
I’ve got a one way ticket to fun. 🎫
Full steam ahead into the weekend. 🔥
Don’t be afraid to let off steam. 😤
My train of thought has left the station. 🧠
Morning commute vibes are real. ☕
Hitting The Brakes On This Train Wreck
We have reached the terminal. The brakes have screeched to a halt. If you read all of these, you have a high tolerance for pain. We rate this post 8/10 Cringes. Go apologize to your friends for what you are about to send them.
Frequently Asked Ques tions (That Nobody Asked)
What do you call a train that sneezes?
Achoo-choo train. Yes, it is terrible. We know.
Why are trains always tired?
Because they have sleepless nights on the sleeper tracks. Also, they work long hours.
Can a train jump?
Only if it is a spring train. That was a physics joke. It didn’t land well.
How do you stop a train?
You don’t. You wait for it to stop or you call Superman. Do not try to stop a train with your hands.
Why did the train go to the gym?
To work on its glutes. Just kidding, to get into better training.
The Person To Blame
Umer | Chief Regret Officer
Umer is the founder of PunSpill and a certified disappointment to his high school guidance counselor. He spends his days writing puns that make people groan and his nights arguing with Gerald, his emotional support opossum (and Head of HR).
He created this website because his friends muted him in the group chat. If you hated this article, please direct your complaints to the opossum; he handles the shredding.
I'm Umer. He's Gerald. I write the bad jokes; he handles the complaints (by sleeping). We created PunSpill so you have something to send your friends to annoy them. Read the full confession here.
