Look. We know why you are here. You bought a dozen bagels, you took a picture of them, and now you need a caption that proves you are funny. Or maybe you are just bored and crave carbohydrates. Whatever the reason, we have baked up a list of bagel puns that are professionally disappointing.
If you thought our Morning Coffee Puns were bad, you are about to be really upset. Grab your cream cheese and prepare to cringe.
You have dough, a dream. Here are jokes about the round bread that is essentially just a roll with a hole in the middle.
You are absolute ba-goals.
I do dough-not know what I would do without you.
This is the hole truth and nothing but the truth.
You are the everything to my bagel.
Stop being so circles-pect.
I kneed you like I kneed dough.
Let’s make a toast to the good times.
You are on a roll today.
I am bready for anything.
It is a hole new world.
Don’t get it twisted.
You are looking round and robust.
I’m feelin’ glu-ten out of ten.
Let’s get this bread.
Oh crumbs, I forgot the toaster.
Cream Cheese Jokes That Spread The Cringe
A bagel without schmear is just a sad, dry tire. If you love dairy as much as we love Cheese Puns, these are for you.
I love you a hole lot more with cheese.
Just spread the love.
Do not schmear my reputation.
I am cream-ing of a white Christmas.
You are the cream of the crop.
That is a smooth move.
Please spread kindness like cream cheese.
I’m cheese-ing so hard right now.
Don’t be soft, be bold.
This is dairy good news.
I have a schmear of missing out.
Let’s stick together like glue-ten and cheese.
You are making me melt.
It is spread or dead.
No need to be cheesy, just be honest.
Toasted and Burnt Puns for Hot Bread
Sometimes you leave it in the toaster too long and the fire alarm goes off. It happens to the best of us. Here are jokes for when things heat up.
You are toast.
I am burning with desire for carbs.
Things are getting heated.
You are hot stuff.
Stop loafing around and eat.
I am warm and fuzzy inside.
That joke was a little dry.
Don’t get burnt out.
You are crisp today.
I like you a latte, especially with breakfast. (See our Latte Puns)
Turn up the heat.
You are on fire.
Let’s get toasted.
I’m done, put a fork in me.
The crust is history.
Everything Bagel Puns for Sesame Lovers
The everything bagel is the king of bagels. It is messy, chaotic, and leaves seeds in your teeth. Kind of like our Dirty Plant Puns, but edible.
You mean everything to me.
I have seeded control to the bagel.
Sesame street smarts.
Open sesame.
I’m just a little salty.
You are popping with flavor.
It is a seedy situation.
Don’t be so garlic-y.
I’m onion to something here.
You are the salt of the earth.
We have mixed feelings about this.
It is season for bagels.
Throwing salt on your game.
A little bit of everything goes a long way.
Don’t get stuck in your teeth.
Cute Bagel Puns for Your Other Half
Are you trying to flirt using bread products? That is a bold strategy. If this doesn’t work, maybe try Donut Valentine Puns instead.
I loaf you so much.
We go together like lox and key.
You are my butter half.
I want to grow mould with you.
Let’s grow old and stale together.
You are the yeast of my worries.
I dough adore you.
You bake me crazy.
I have a crust on you.
You are all I knead.
I’m circles around you.
You make my heart rise.
Let’s never split.
We are on a roll.
My love for you is endless (like a circle).
Breakfast Situational Jokes for Morning People
The morning is terrible unless you have carbs. Pairing these with some Avocado Puns makes for a complete balanced breakfast of cringe.
I hate morning rolls.
Wakey bakey.
Rise and shine.
Don’t be sourdough in the morning.
Let’s get this grain.
I’m jammed up right now.
Breakfast of champions.
Don’t egg me on.
I’m scrambling for a pun.
Orange you glad I brought bagels?
Just juice doing my best.
This is cereal-sly good.
Time to spread out.
Have a knife day.
Let’s brunch.
Yeasty Names for Round Pets
If you named your dog after a breakfast food, we are judging you, but we also support you.
This is my dog, Bagel-y.
Meet my cat, Cream Cheese.
Here is Poppy.
Say hello to Sesame.
This is Lox.
Meet Toasty.
This is Schmear.
Say hi to Dough-boy.
Meet Crusty (unfortunately).
This is Cinnamon.
Meet Raisin.
Say hello to Yeasty (we are sorry).
This is Wheatley.
Meet Chip.
This is Bae-gel.
Corny Bagel Dad Jokes
We have reached the section where you ask a question and the answer makes everyone leave the room.
What does a bagel do when it gets locked out? It calls a lox-smith.
Why was the bagel sad? It felt empty inside.
What kind of bagel can fly? A plane bagel. (See our Airplane Jokes)
Why did the bagel go to the gym? To get better buns.
What do you call a bagel that is proficient in magic? A dough-wizard.
Why did the bagel retire? It was getting stale.
What is a bagel’s favorite movie? Lord of the Onion Rings.
How does a bagel say goodbye? See you round.
Why was the bagel late for work? It got stuck in a jam.
What do ghosts put on their bagels? Scream cheese.
Why did the bagel arrest the croissant? It was acting flakey.
What is a bagel’s favorite sport? Tennis (because of the seedings).
Why did the bagel go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.
What do you call a seagull flying over a bagel? A bagel. (Wait, that’s not right).
Why don’t bagels like jokes? They tend to get toasted.
Short Bagel Captions for Instagram
You took the photo. You adjusted the contrast. Now copy and paste one of these so you can go back to eating.
Bae-goals only. 🥯
I’m on a roll. ✨
Feelin’ toasty. 🔥
Bread winner. 🍞
All you knead is love. ❤️
Hole foods diet. 🍩
Donut worry, be happy. 😊
So many carbs, so little time. ⏰
Spread kindness. 🧀
Yeast mode activated. 🚀
The Carb-loaded Conclusion
That was a lot of puns. We hope you are happy with yourself. If you are still hungry for more bad jokes, you should probably check out our Pizza Puns because that is basically just a flat bagel anyway. We rate this post 9/10 cringes. Go drink some water.
The Yeasty Inquiries
Why do bagels have holes?
So they can cook evenly, but mostly so you can stick your finger through them like a ring.
Is a bagel just a donut?
No. A donut is a bagel that gave up on being healthy.
What is the best bagel flavor?
Everything. Next question.
Can I freeze bagels?
Yes, but they will never forgive you for the cold treatment.
Are bagels healthy?
If you define “healthy” as “delicious round bread,” then absolutely yes.
The Person To Blame
Umer | Chief Regret Officer
Umer is the founder of PunSpill and a certified disappointment to his high school guidance counselor. He spends his days writing puns that make people groan and his nights arguing with Gerald, his emotional support opossum (and Head of HR).
He created this website because his friends muted him in the group chat. If you hated this article, please direct your complaints to the opossum; he handles the shredding.
I'm Umer. He's Gerald. I write the bad jokes; he handles the complaints (by sleeping). We created PunSpill so you have something to send your friends to annoy them. Read the full confession here.
