You promised yourself you would be better this year. You swore off bad habits. Yet here you are, looking for jokes that are legally classified as torture. We aren’t judging you, but we are definitely judging ourselves for writing these. Let’s get this over with so we can all go back to breaking our resolutions in peace.
We are starting with the basics because our creativity is still on holiday break. If you need something to wake you up more than morning coffee puns ever could, try these on for size.
I am absolutely ec-static about the new year.
Let’s not make any rash decisions this January.
This year is going to be fan-tastic.
I’m very opti-mystic about the future.
Don’t be so negative, it’s a fresh start.
I have no-eye-deer what I’m doing this year.
Have a rice new year.
Let’s taco ‘bout our future plans.
I’m soda excited for the party.
This year, I will sea the world.
I’m paws-itive 2026 will be great.
Everything is going to be all-white.
I’m turning over a new leaf (and falling off the tree).
Let’s ketch-up in the new year.
I’m bready for a fresh start.
Resolution Jokes That You Will Break by February
Statistically, you have already failed your diet. Don’t worry, even our pizza puns have more structural integrity than your willpower.
My resolution is to be more flexible, but I can’t tie my shoes.
I’m going to gym and bear it.
I want to lose weight, but I hate losing.
My goal is to stop making pour decisions.
I resolve to pay my bills, maybe.
I’m going to quit while I’m ahead.
My resolution is to be less lazy, tomorrow.
I plan to exercise my right to eat cake.
I’m going to save money, or at least save the receipt.
I resolve to be more patient, hurry up 2027.
I’m giving up chocolate, just kidding.
I want to run a marathon, on Netflix.
I resolve to read more… menus.
I’m going to travel, to the fridge.
I plan to stop procrastinating, later.
Celebration Puns for the Party You Didn’t Want to Attend
Socializing is hard, much like trying to understand Star Trek dad jokes. Here are some lines to say right before they kick you out.
Let’s get the par-tea started.
This party is lit, literally.
We are going to have a ball.
Let’s wine down for the year.
It’s time to cheers to us.
Don’t champagne about the noise.
Let’s toast to burning bridges.
This music is bass-ic.
I’m here for the boos.
Let’s dance like nobody is watching (they are).
I’m soup-er pumped for midnight.
This vibe is un-beer-lievable.
Let’s shake things up.
I’m grape-ful for the open bar.
Let’s raise the roof (and the insurance rates).
Midnight Jokes for When the Clock Strikes
Time is a construct, much like our self-esteem. If you are waiting for the ball to drop, you might as well read these while ignoring your dirty plant puns.
It’s about time.
I’m watching the clock.
Let’s face the music at midnight.
I’m second guessing staying up.
Hands down, the best time of year.
I’m alarmed by how late it is.
Let’s clock out of 2025.
I’m having the time of my life.
Wait a minute.
Let’s tick this off the list.
I’m hour of ideas.
Don’t be a bummer, it’s midnight.
Let’s strike a pose.
I’m counting on you.
This is timely humor.
Sparkling Drink Puns That Are Pour Quality
If you aren’t drinking, maybe grab some matcha puns instead. For everyone else, here are jokes about fermented grapes.
Sip happens.
You are neat.
Let’s make pour choices.
I’m on cloud wine.
Stop whining.
Pitcher perfect.
Take a shot.
I’m gin-vincible.
Let’s getting fizzy with it.
Beer me.
I’m cork-y.
You’re brew-tiful.
Let’s get shiraz-ed.
It’s whiskey business.
I’m vodka out of here.
Food Puns for the Buffet Table
You are only at the party for the snacks. We get it. Grab a plate and tell these jokes, or just go read some cheese birthday puns in the corner alone.
I’m nacho average party guest.
This dip is guac and roll.
Don’t go bacon my heart.
I’m a fungi at parties.
Lettuce celebrate.
I’m in a pickle.
Don’t be salty.
I’m corn-y.
You’re the apple of my eye.
I donut want this night to end.
You’re a pizza work.
I’m egg-cited.
Let’s meat up later.
I’m sweet on you.
This cake is in tiers.
New Year Names for Pets
If you got a dog just to cope with the crushing reality of another year, here are some names. They are almost as bad as raccoon puns.
Resolution Rex
Sparky Sparkler
Midnight
Champagne Charlie
Toast
Confetti Carl
January Jones
Newy
Countdown
Bubbles
Auld Lang Syne (Aldo for short)
Party
Eve
Gala
Times Square
Corny New Year Dad Jokes
Dads love New Years because they get to say “See you next year” and think they are geniuses. These are for them. We have plenty more coffee dad jokes if these aren’t painful enough.
What happened to the man who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.
What is a New Year’s resolution? Something that goes in one year and out the other.
Why do birds fly south for New Year’s Eve? Because it’s too far to walk.
What do you tell a cow on Jan 1st? Happy Moo Year.
What is a ghost’s favorite holiday? Boo Year’s Eve.
Why should you put your new calendar in the freezer? To start the new year in a cool way.
What did the dad say at 11:59 PM? I haven’t used the bathroom since last year.
Why was 6 afraid of 9 on New Year’s? Because the new year was approaching.
What is a corn’s favorite holiday? New Ear’s Eve.
Where can you practice math on New Year’s Eve? Times Square.
What do you call a group of criminals celebrating? Confetti criminals.
Why did the woman start a gardening business on Jan 1st? She wanted to rake in the money.
What eats at the stroke of midnight? A clock-roach.
Why do we stay up late on Dec 31st? To watch 2025 drop the ball.
What did the cheez-it say to the mozzarella? Happy New Year, looking sharp.
Short New Year Captions for Instagram
You need validation from strangers on the internet. We understand. Use these captions to get likes from people you haven’t spoken to since high school.
New year, same mess 🥂
I’m just here for the champagne 🍾
365 new days to ruin 🙃
Page 1 of 365 (I can’t read) 📚
Resolution: remember my password 🔒
Cheers to bad decisions 🍻
Sparkle like you mean it ✨
See you next year (tomorrow) 👋
Less bitter, more glitter 🌟
My vibe is currently buffering 🔄
New Year, No More Puns (For Now)
We have reached the end. If you read all of these, you legally owe us money. Or at least an apology. We rate this experience 26 out of 10 cringes. Go home, go to sleep, and forget this ever happened.
The Yearly Questions: FAQ
You have questions, we have sarcastic answers. It’s a tradition.
Why do we celebrate New Year’s?
Because humans need an arbitrary date to feel like they have control over the relentless march of time. Also, drinking.
What is the best resolution?
To stop making resolutions. It has a 100% success rate.
Is it bad luck to not kiss someone at midnight?
No. It’s just lonely. There is a difference.
What food brings good luck?
Pizza. It has never let us down, unlike our exes.
How do I keep my resolutions?
Lower your standards until they are basically just “breathing.”
The Person To Blame
Umer | Chief Regret Officer
Umer is the founder of PunSpill and a certified disappointment to his high school guidance counselor. He spends his days writing puns that make people groan and his nights arguing with Gerald, his emotional support opossum (and Head of HR).
He created this website because his friends muted him in the group chat. If you hated this article, please direct your complaints to the opossum; he handles the shredding.
I'm Umer. He's Gerald. I write the bad jokes; he handles the complaints (by sleeping). We created PunSpill so you have something to send your friends to annoy them. Read the full confession here.
