Look, we know why you are here. You probably forgot an anniversary, you are a medical student trying to survive finals, or you are just desperate for a caption that proves you have a pulse. Whatever your reason, we have compiled a list of heart puns that are arguably bad for your health. Proceed with caution because these jokes might cause instant palpitations.
The heart is a vital organ that pumps blood, but apparently, it is also a source of terrible comedy. If you are looking for general puns that cover everything from anatomy to pure cringe, this is your stop. Also, if you need something specifically for the hospital crowd, check out our medical valentine puns for more surgical precision.
I gotta say, you are totally aorta this world.
Quit playing games with my cart (cardiac).
I’m having a heart attack of laughter right now.
Don’t go breaking my part.
This relationship is in vein if we don’t laugh.
You really know how to pump up the jam.
I loves you with all my ventricles.
Let’s get to the heart of the matter.
Are you okay? You look a little pale-pitated.
I’m just following my chart (heart).
We are bound by blood and bad jokes.
That speech was surprisingly heart-felt.
Stop being so heart-less.
I have a total crush on your circulatory system.
My love for you is pump-ing strong.
Cardio Jokes For Running Away From Problems
Running is terrible and sweating is gross, but making jokes about it is surprisingly easy. If you are a gym rat or someone who just bought a treadmill to use as a clothes hanger, these puns are for you. You can even use these if you are a nurse trying to get a patient moving.
I hate cardio, but I do it with all my heart.
Running makes my heart race, but you make it sprint.
Let’s skip a beat and go for a run.
I’m really pumping iron (in my chest).
My heart is on a treadmill to nowhere.
Don’t let your heart run away with you.
I’m exercising my right to remain sedentary.
Cardio is hard, but loving you is easy work.
My heart rate is jogging my memory.
Let’s have a heart-to-heart while doing burpees.
I’m racing against time and high cholesterol.
This workout is really testing my patience and pulse.
Gym class was a total heart breaker.
Keep your pace and listen to the beat.
I’m fit to be tied (vascularly).
Medical Humor That Is Stat-isfying
Doctors usually have terrible handwriting and even worse jokes, so we fit right in. These are perfect for cardiologists, med students, or anyone who knows what a ventricle actually does. If these aren’t technical enough, go read our dentist jokes, they have more bite.
Are you a defibrillator? Because you are shocking.
I’ve got the moves like Jagger (and stents like grandpa).
This situation is getting critical.
Don’t be so negative (blood type).
You are officially positive for being awesome.
Let’s not have a stroke of bad luck.
The doctor said I have an enlarged sense of humor.
I’m suffering from acute angina (just kidding).
We need a bypass on this conversation.
Your love is the best medicine (not FDA approved).
I’m feeling a little clotted up inside.
Let’s check your vitals, mainly your funny bone.
You cured my achy breaky heart.
I’m diagnosing you with chronic cuteness.
Please don’t arrest (cardiac) me for these jokes.
Heartbeat Puns For Rhythm Lovers
If you have rhythm, great. If you don’t, just blame it on an arrhythmia. These puns are all about the beat, the pulse, and the noise that keeps us alive. They pair surprisingly well with coffee dad jokes since caffeine is basically liquid palpitations.
My heart beats to the rhythm of the night.
I can feel the pulse of the city.
You make my heart go boom (in a safe way).
Don’t miss a beat.
I’m totally sync-ed up with you.
That song really strikes a chord (cord).
Let’s keep the tempo up.
My heart is a drum machine.
You are the beat drop I was waiting for.
We are on the same wavelength (ECG wise).
I’m having palpitations just thinking about it.
The sound of silence is bad for a heart.
Just beat it (Michael Jackson style).
I’m living life in the fast lane.
Check my pulse because I think I died laughing.
Love Captions That Are Bloody Romantic
We couldn’t write a post about hearts without getting a little mushy. Use these for Valentine’s Day or when you need to apologize for something stupid you did. If you need something more specific to animals, try our frog love puns because nothing says romance like amphibians.
I blood-y love you.
You hold the key to my chest cavity.
We are two hearts beating as one (creepy but okay).
You stole my heart (please give it back).
I’m pumped to be your partner.
You make my blood flow.
I’d give you my last beat.
You are the queen of hearts.
Let’s stick together like platelets.
My love for you is circulating forever.
You are vital to my system.
I’m bleeding love for you.
You are my sweet-heart.
Let’s never be apart (a-heart).
I chamber believe how much I love you.
Bloody Funny Heart Names for Anatomical Models
Sometimes you buy a plastic skeleton or a heart model and you need to name it. We don’t judge your hobbies. Here are some names that are perfect for your silent, plastic friend.
Art (short for Artery)
Beatrix
Phil (Phil Harmonic)
Pump-kin
Val (short for Valve)
Corny (Coronary)
Pulse McCartney
Hart Simpson
Vinnie (Ventricle)
Skip
Aorta Franklin
Cardi B
Hugh Jackman (Huge Heartman)
Stent
Throb
Q&A Jokes That Need A Bypass
These are the jokes you tell your dad when he thinks he is funny. They are clean, simple, and absolutely devastating to anyone with a sense of humor.
Why did the heart break up with the lung? It needed some space to breathe.
What did the skeleton say to his heart? You are pumping me up!
Why was the heart arrested? It was charged with battery and a salt (sodium).
What is a heart’s favorite tree? The coronary artery.
Why did the heart go to school? To improve its circulation.
How does a heart say goodbye? I’ll be-at seeing you.
Why was the blood cell sad? It was all in vein.
What kind of boat does a heart captain? A blood vessel.
Short Heart Captions for Instagram
You took a cute photo. You look good. Do not ruin it with a long paragraph nobody reads. Use one of these and get back to scrolling.
Just following my heart. ❤️
Pulse check. ✅
Heart eyes only. 😍
Living life to the beat. 🥁
Totally pumped. 💪
Listen to your heart. 🎧
Love is in the air (and the arteries). 🎈
My heart is full. 🍷
Skip a beat. 💓
Wear your heart on your sleeve. 👕
Bypassing The End
We have officially run out of blood flow for this post. If you read all of these and still haven’t unsubscribed from the internet, we applaud your stamina. We rate this collection a solid 9/10 cardiac events. Go drink some water, check your blood pressure, and maybe text your mom.
Heart-to-Heart Inquiries
We know you have weird questions. We have weird answers. Here is the stuff people actually type into Google when they are bored.
Can a heart actually break?
Medically, yes, it’s called “Takotsubo cardiomyopathy.” Emotionally, also yes, usually after reading puns this bad.
How many times does a heart beat in a day?
Around 100,000 times. That is 100,000 opportunities to regret your life choices.
Do hearts really look like the emoji?
No. Real hearts look like a fistful of wet hamburger meat. The emoji is a lie sold to us by greeting card companies.
Why do we associate hearts with love?
Ancient Greeks thought the heart held the soul. They were wrong (it’s the brain), but “I love you with all my brain” sounds like a zombie pickup line.
The Person To Blame
Umer | Chief Regret Officer
Umer is the founder of PunSpill and a certified disappointment to his high school guidance counselor. He spends his days writing puns that make people groan and his nights arguing with Gerald, his emotional support opossum (and Head of HR).
He created this website because his friends muted him in the group chat. If you hated this article, please direct your complaints to the opossum; he handles the shredding.
I'm Umer. He's Gerald. I write the bad jokes; he handles the complaints (by sleeping). We created PunSpill so you have something to send your friends to annoy them. Read the full confession here.
